Why Wait to Have Sex?

As a 26 year old virgin who is currently engaged to be married, I recognize that I am somewhat of an anomaly among my peers - a sort of relic of earlier, quainter times. Why have I waited to have sex until marriage? Is abstinence ridiculous or unhealthy or just not relevant? For a religion and a nation that have become so sectually (pardon the pun) diverse, it may be worth discussing why sexual abstinence - or chastity, as I refer to it, has any merit in today’s society for Christians and, well, everyone else.

The first commandment ever given was for Adam and Eve to “multiply and replenish the earth." Perhaps no other commandment has been so faithfully kept since. A few hundred years later, Moses was also told “Thou shalt not commit adultery”, and in about ten other Biblical verses we are told specifically to avoid fornication, especially in the later New Testament (when, we can assume, converting Romans and Greeks made this a more pertinent issue). The implication of these scriptures is that God very much wants us to bring children into the world, and there is a certain way He wants it to happen.

While active Christians are quick to agree with some commandments, they seem less enthusiastic about others. Chastity before marriage is a difficult one to discuss, possibly because it is a difficult one to keep. One of the principle arguments is that abstinence before marriage is nice, but it’s not really that big of a deal any more. Now we know that having sex before marriage isn’t nearly as harmful because we have means of preventing both unwanted births and sexually transmitted disease. Others speak even more strongly and say, premarital sex is more beneficial than waiting, because sex is important for your health and emotional development and “trying it out” before marriage shows how compatible you are with your future spouse. My goal is not to address every argument for extramarital sex but to make a case for sex containment within marriage, supporting both prophetic revelation and social research.

Every society has some regulations about sex, whether formal or informal. Incest, for example, is almost universally prohibited, and in many countries any sexual relations outside of marriage are also illegal. Other than preventing unwanted pregnancies and disease, these kinds of laws protect children and provide stability for families. Significant research shows that children who grow up in intact, married families are significantly more likely to graduate from high school, find work and enjoy a stable family life. I am waiting to have sex in part because I respect such boundaries that we have created as a society to strengthen individuals, families, and communities. That's part of what marriage is - it’s the bounds that we have decided as a society to regulate when and with whom it is acceptable to have sex. Sex outside of marriage contributes to a culture of unregulated, casual, accidental sex which promotes widespread individual emotional and mental strain, weakens families and virtually every institution in society, and most importantly compromises the future by putting children at risk.,

Mindful of these implications, we desperately need to advocate a culture where those who choose to have sex make a commitment to each other that is recognized by the wider society, and are true to that commitment. Why does it have to be legally recognized? So the commitment is established in a safe, monitored way. Cops wear uniforms and carry badges to indicate their position. If everyone drove cars with sirens and carried badges lawlessness would ensue. A marriage certificate legally establishes your position in relation to your spouse, without misunderstanding or trickery. You sign the certificate along with them. A million worries are eliminated by this simple act. Again, this protects you as individuals, your relationship, and future children that may be born into it.

While the institution of marriage should not be seen as an exclusively sexual contract, it is a necessary component. The fact that many people do not, in fact, maintain sexual fidelity within their marriages is not an indication of a faulty rule, but a lack of self control. The toilet may be seen as restrictive and limiting for toddlers with natural and healthy body processes, but we would be silly to live with the mess and give up on the goal of potty training because it is difficult or unpleasant to do.

What are society's limits for personal sexual activity? There are few, legally speaking. Outside of incest and pedophilia, individuals are free to act according to their own code of ethics - whenever you want some, or whenever you’re in love, or as long as you know you’re going to make that commitment at some point. It should be clear though that there is something dangerously wrong with feeling that you alone are the expert of when and with whom you should have sex. Those who feel that subjective love or feelings of commitment are sufficient might want to step outside themselves for a moment and consider the countless numbers of people who have have made poor judgments acting on such logic. The proportion of children born outside of marriage has skyrocketed in the last 30 years from 13% to 44%, while the percentage of adults in intact first marriages dropped from 73% to 45%. The connection should be obvious.

Although legal recognition of marriage is essential, legally enforcing chastity may not be appropriate (although I would like to see a hefty fine slapped on cheating parents). The expectations of our society will gradually change however as we take the initiative to change our personal behavior. Will this be difficult? Will this require an enormous amount of thankless self-control? Absolutely, it will. I'm doing it! But why should this surprise us? Moral discipline is the foundation of a strong society. We have had to exercise self-control in virtually every area of our lives since we were potty trained. We require self control in our eating, our health, our cleanliness, our interactions with others, our spending habits. However, regarding sex, I have never yet encountered an issue about which Americans seem so averse to exercising discipline. Let’s put it in potty training language. Not knowing when and where to do what feels “natural” and “healthy” is irresponsible and gross and leaves messes for everyone else to clean up.

Society itself depends on our ability to exercise this moral discipline in relation to one another. We indicate the importance of sex as we exercise self-control in when and with whom we do it. We indicate the importance of marriage, society, and our future children as we commit to forming strong families, within the bonds of total fidelity and at no other time.

I am not having sex a single day before getting married, both because of my personal religious convictions, but also because of my love for my country, and my future children. Regardless of birth control and condoms, the welfare of future children will greatly depend on whether or not society encourages adults to make concrete, widely-recognized commitments to each other before having sex, encouraging them to fulfill their roles as spouses and parents and creating a happy, safe, peaceful haven for ourselves and our children.

See former Supreme Court Justice Leah Ward Spears article about the marriage gap on CNN.com by clicking here