Is It Worth It?

In October, 2010, church leader and former pilot, Elder Dieter Uchtdorf, spoke at a world-wide conference about the importance of keeping our priorities clear, and in difficult times, learning to "slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials." He explained that when airplanes encounter stormy weather, they slow down and shut down all non-essential functions in order to lessen the impact of turbulence, which relates to the safety of the aircraft. He relates this to our lives, and encourages us when times are tough to not continue at our hectic pace but slow down and stick to our most essential priorities.

This theme is found in scripture as well. Alma, a prophet in the Book of Mormon, when he saw wickedness begin developing within the church, left the judgment seat and “confined himself wholly to the high priesthood…that he might preach the word of God, to stir them up in remembrance of their duty” (Alma 4:19-20). While his other responsibilities were certainly very important, he recognized his highest responsibility and made sacrifices to ensure that he fulfilled that.

It feels right, and it makes sense, that this is somewhat the case with us as parents, and particularly mothers. While the Proclamation on the Family, delivered to the world in 1997, talks about the "sacred duty" that parents have to raise their children well, the church doesn’t teach us to not have careers or pursue our talents and goals; in fact, the opposite is true. However, it is taught that the welfare of our children should be our highest priority, and for most people that means making sacrifices.

There are so many expectations on modern parents, especially mothers, and with few possible exceptions, no way to do everything we'd like to do. While many mothers both successfully hold careers and raise children at the same time, some also claim that both their career and their children are their "top" priority. What does this look like in practice? It usually means that sacrifices are occasionally made on both sides. A woman may put a child in day care for several hours a day so that she can focus on her job, but she may pass up promotions or raises to avoid spending extra time away from home. Unless the job is necessary for her children's well-being (starvation and homelessness being the alternative), these actions seem to demonstrate that the slot for top priority is interchangeable.

While safety is always first priority in an airplane, do children always need to be our first priority? Maybe a better question is this: Are they worth it?

For a million reasons, supported by studies in virtually every discipline (which I will gladly cite if anyone needs specific examples), I argue that our individual responsibility towards our children should always be our top priority. I think most people would agree. The implication however of having a top priority (that is always our top priority) is that we will likely have to give up or compromise other things that are important to us. If children are really our first priority, they are important enough for us to put on hold our quest for "self-actualization" and "self-fulfillment" and other "self" interests.

We may not have as much intellectual stimulation from changing diapers and washing dishes. We may feel out of our element. We may be ridiculed by our peers. We will almost certainly not make as much money. But it is worth it!

“Every child, with few possible exceptions, is the product of a home, be it good, bad, or indifferent. As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Blessed Are the Merciful,” Ensign, May 1990, p. 70.). The state of our society today is the cumulative effect of billions of parents' teachings and examples, both good, bad, and nonexistent. Our society tomorrow will be the product of our teachings and examples. As in considerations of safety, like putting on a seatbelt every time we get in a car, the question we ask ourselves should not be "Will this one time without a seatbelt have an impact?" but rather "Is not wearing a seatbelt worth the impact that it may have?" Perhaps juggling children as a priority with a career or other activities may not have an immediate, or visible, impact (although there are plenty of studies that can point to the impact on children over time), but is it worth whatever impact it may have?

For those who understand the importance of how we raise children on the future of our society, we have to be realistic about its implications. Parents are welcome to work, to pursue goals, to develop their talents - these are good and important things. There are ways of doing this that do not compromise one's role as a parent. But if the choice comes between the parents' interests and the child's - and it most certainly will come - we must learn to sacrifice. We cannot compromise our responsibility toward our children without consequences for both them, and us, and our community, and the rest of society.

The marvelous part of all of this is the promise given by Jesus Christ so many times in the New Testament: "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it" (Matt 16:25). In the end, no one who has sacrificed for their children will lose anything. There are rewards waiting in this life and the next. I believe this and trust in it. God is happy when we make sacrifices to be the best parents we can be, because he knows that in the long run that will make us the happiest.

Let us be more reasonable, let us be more selfless, and let us as parents not forget our "sacred duty" for anything else. I know it is worth it.