How to Avoid Getting Angry at Stupid Comments

I was reading on a Yahoo page today a user that commented on the fact that girls raised without fathers in the home are 7 times more likely to become pregnant. Like many blogs and articles you've read, the comments below were mostly angry, and extreme:

"Wow! Are Moms actually 7 times worse at raising little girls? Wow!"

"So we should make a law forcing the courts to give daughters to fathers, no matter how violent or abusive they are. Great choice."

"The highest rates of divorce and single parent homes are among conservatives - not liberals. So here's my advice to all the 'value voters' - try making YOUR actions fit your words."

"Daughters? What about the sons sticking it in the daughters?"

Each of these comments approaches the issue from a different paradigm. The solution to avoiding getting angry is laid out here:

Step 1: Understand the nature of social facts.
A social fact is like a physical fact in the sense that it is real and measurable, but it's also intangible. Here are some examples:

• Women in the U.S. are paid less money for the same work done by men
• Working mothers are more likely to struggle with anxiety than stay-at-home moms
• The largest demographic group in federal and state prisons are African American males

These are not value statements - they're just facts. Don't get upset yet.

Step 2: Understand the nature of theoretical paradigms.
We rarely discuss social facts without attaching a "therefore" to the end of them. You  interpret these facts through your social lens -  conflict theory, religion, feminism, environmentalism, biological theory, etc. - and you assign values to them as a result. Here are some possible interpretations of the previous examples:

• Women in the U.S. are paid less money for the same work done by men
• Conflict theory/feminism: Overall, we are still a sexist society - and employers are still discriminating against women
• Evolutionary theory: Men are paid more because it's their nature to be more aggressive, and men are more likely than women to negotiate for a higher salary

You see? Same fact, two different interpretations. Let's do one more:

• The largest demographic group in federal and state prisons are African American males
• Oppression theory: Black men are in jail because white men have more social and political power to put them there.
• Organic functionalism: Because of the changing nature of American markets, manufacturing jobs are disappearing from many predominantly black communities. Without jobs, these individuals are more likely to turn to drugs and other illegal sources of income.

Every fact can be valued and judged a million ways, depending on what aspect of the situation is most important to you. When an empty house burns down for example, are you concerned for the safety of the surrounding trees and the decrease in air quality? Do you want to look at crime rates in the area? Are you concerned about the emotional well-being of the owner? Are you angry that schools aren't providing more education about fire safety? 

It's important to note that while individual causes may be studied, you cannot disprove a theory. It's just a way of looking at information. Recognizing and appreciating theories other than your own can be liberating. If there's a theoretical paradigm that makes your life miserable (mine would be the selfish gene theory, which postulates that all behavior is inherently self-serving) - pick another one! 

Step 3: Understand how interpretation leads to emotion

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, probably the most popular theory in modern mental health counseling, postulates that how we mentally interpret a situation leads to how we emotionally feel about it. To return to the article mentioned at the beginning of this post: Saying that girls raised without fathers are 7 times more likely to get pregnant is not a value statement - it's not extremism or propaganda or anything - it's just a fact. Based on your interpretation of the fact, you will be happy about it, angry about it, or not care at all. Here are some options:

• I'm neutral because: Not having a father doesn't CAUSE girls to get pregnant - it's a correlation. The type of families without fathers also tend to be the types of people who are more lax about sexual behavior.
• I'm happy because: There's nothing wrong with that fact. Society is changing, and it will keep changing - it's just going through some growing pains. (or) Having children is a wonderful, beautiful thing and the fact that these girls are become mothers earlier than most is totally fine.
• I'm angry because: People prey on easy targets. Not having a father in the home is a symbolic sign to the neighbors and the community that the home is unprotected, and that the family inside is unprotected, so daughters without fathers are more likely to be victims of sexual predators.
• I'm sad because: Without a father in her life, girls struggle with feelings of rejection and loneliness and a strong psychological need for male companionship, and so they're likely to be more sexually promiscuous, which leads to teen pregnancy.

You can probably think of other ways to see this as well.

What you should probably NOT do is make yourself angry by interpreting facts through a lens of extremism. If you think not having a father is a cause of teen pregnancy, and if you believe that's bad, you must not dismiss that with fallacies like: "Well that may be true, but having a father who beats the living daylights out of you isn't good either." Two horrible choices don't cancel each other out. You can acknowledge that both are bad.

Step 4: Understand the difference between interpretation and action

Acknowledging a fact is not acknowledging an interpretation, and acknowledging an interpretation does not dictate a course of action. In fact, it is crucial that we separate these. Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr. are classic examples of two men who went through this process together, and then split when they got to action:
Fact: Black Americans are not allowed to ride at the front of buses
Interpretation: Society is structurally discriminating against black people
Emotion: Anger! Frustration!
Action: MLK- peaceful protest, Malcolm X - violent protest

Here's a modern example of how people might behave toward poverty today:
Fact: The gap between the rich and poor in America is increasing
Interpretation: The wealthy have more power to maintain and increase their wealth, while the poor are becoming more disenfranchised
Emotion: Anger! Frustration!
Action (option #1): Lobby to change the tax code in order to equalize the playing field
Action (option #2): Give to charity. Encourage others around you to do the same
Action (option #3): Lobby to put more federal tax money into low-income schools
Action (option #4): Create a families-helping-families program in your local congregation, where individuals can sign up to provide resources, networking, tutoring, etc. for families that are less well-off

Step 5: Realize your own decision making process, and respect the process of others
Once you understand how this process of understanding people's reactions to things, you should recognize how flexible and fluid it really is. That alone should give you the patience and love to allow others to disagree with your interpretation, your emotions, and your actions. Good luck.