Being Brave: Where Sara Bareilles Gets It Wrong

You may have heard this song:

I like Sara Bareilles. A lot, actually - I keep singing her songs and wishing my voice sounded like hers. But this song bothered me when I heard it for the first time, and I've thought about it a lot over the last several months.

In the music video, Sara encourages the audience to "say what you want to say, and let the words fall out....honestly, I want to see you be brave," while a racially diverse cast of actors demonstrate their bravery by dancing alone in various public places.

Don't get me wrong - I am a fan of dancing like no one's watching. Last night in fact, I danced with a four year-old to "Party In The USA" surrounded by thousands of people watching the fireworks. And maybe that's one definition of bravery. But that's not the one that really matters.

I used to think that bravery meant just breaking social norms. A norm (folkway, more pronounced mor-ay, or taboo) is a social convention or rule derived from a set of of social values. Norms range in importance from not slurping your soup to not eating people. As members of society, we generally understand what behavior is socially appropriate, and we win the approval of others by conforming to that standard.  

One of the fun experiences of nearly all sociology students (myself included) is discovering what social norms are, and realizing how fragile they are. In fact, a common assignment for Intro to Sociology students is to break a norm and then write a paper about it. You can sing in public. You can sit down on the elevator. You can take things out of other people's shopping carts. You can say something other than "fine" when someone asks "How are you?"

But bravery doesn't just mean breaking norms, because not all norms are equal: Some social norms are inherently good (like loving your spouse), some are inherently bad (like making fun of disabled people), and some don't matter (like holding the fork in your left hand). I would venture to say that most of the daring, norm-breaking behavior of "enlightened" students tends to fall in the third category.

I would also venture to say that there are some forms of so-called norm breaking that aren't actually brave at all, since some norm-breaking actually IS a norm in our popular culture! Rebelliousness can still be cool, and still qualify you for an approved social category (like hipsters, or hippies, or metros). 

True bravery means doing what is right when current social norms are wrong. It isn't enough to just break whatever norms we don't like. We need to break them for a good purpose. Dancing in public may be "challenging the system" and "breaking free" but so is never bathing. We need to learn which norms are ultimately detrimental or unnecessary, and then break them when needed.

This is where Sarah Bareilles comes in:

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

The message here is beautiful and important: words have power, and you can use them for good or for evil. The problem is how she ties it up:

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Sara's interpretation of "speaking up" and "being brave" means "say(ing) what you wanna say," and I think she misses the mark. Being brave does not mean just saying what you want to say - lots of people do that. You can be a jerk and claim that you're just being honest, or state your opinion in a way that hurts someone's feelings, or say something because you want attention: that isn't enough. Being brave means saying the thing you desperately do NOT want to say. It means doing what is right, not what you want. 

Everybody’s been there,

Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy

Fallen for the fear

And done some disappearing,

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

"The mighty" that we need to stop bowing down to isn't "The Man" (or the government, or big business, or whatever), it's your friends. As a wise wizard once said:

Let's not kid ourselves - In a country with free press and free speech, standing up to the government is not a particularly brave act. It's much harder to stand up to people in your life who you respect and love, and sometimes even stand up for causes that other people think are blatantly wrong. 

Despite what superhero movies portray, true courage means doing the thing that does NOT come with ANY glory or admiration, sometimes even from your own family members; they may make others think less of you, misunderstand you, and look down at you. Bravery may be doing the thing that you know will lead to other people calling you a pervert, a fanatic, or a bigot. 

Some of the values you stand up for may be popular, like civil rights, or unpopular, like chastity and modesty. Real courage is standing up for things that are good AND unpopular. Those courageous actions are far less entertaining than a music video, and usually less comfortable and heart-warming than a Hallmark movie. You may have to stop the music. You may have to ruin the party. You may lose friends. 

In General Conference, President Thomas S. Monson said:

"It is impossible to stand upright when one plants his roots in the shifting sands of popular opinion and approval. Needed is the courage of a Daniel, an Abinadi, a Moroni, or a Joseph Smith in order for us to hold strong and fast to that which we know is right. They had the courage to do no that which was easy but that which was right.

We will all face fear, experience ridicule, and meet opposition. Let us - all of us - have the courage to defy the consensus, the courage to stand for principle. Courage, not compromise, brings the smile of God's approval." 

One of the difficulties in being brave is that it requires you to take actions for people and causes that you're not even necessarily passionate about. The Becket Fund, mostly Christian lawyers, defends Christians against religious discrimination... as well as Muslims, Jews, and other groups with whom they disagree. It's easy to speak up against human trafficking and racism and child abuse. It's harder to advocate for the free speech of terrible people, or be a friend to a bigot, or testify of improbably religious beliefs, or publicly advocate for sexual abstinence and other awkward topics. 

Can you imagine what you would do if you had been Joseph Smith and God came to you and said, it's time to bring back polygamy? Or if you were Spencer W. Kimball and God continued to command (even ten years after the Civil Rights Movement) that the Priesthood not be given to people of African descent? Regardless of your beliefs, you have to admit that that would be insanely hard! Following the commandments and having integrity to the things that we know are true doesn't mean we're going to be excited about it at all. 

Superficial bravery like dancing in public is still a wonderful part of life. But let's not pat ourselves on the back for it - true bravery is still needed for doing the thing that you least want to do, the thing that needs to be done, whenever it is needed, regardless of whether anyone will see, or whether EVERYONE will see and think less of you for it.

Lots of us are committed to acting crazy and out-of-the-box for the sake of personal fulfillment and memorable Facebook photos. Let us commit to being truly brave - unpopular and uncomfortable - in standing up for the things that are right.