A few years ago, two of our friends met in the same PhD program and decided to get married. Upon graduating, they were faced with a dilemma. As they both specialized in the same, extremely competitive field, they found themselves both applying for the same handful of jobs in the area, with no success. After a while, they decided to change their tactic. They would each apply for jobs all over the country, and take whatever they each could find. If they ended up in different states, they would just have to travel back and forth. "It stinks," they said "but... you've gotta do what you've gotta do."
This solution is becoming increasingly popular for couples pursuing independent careers. Last weekend, I mentioned to a friend that my husband had just accepted a year-long clerkship with a federal judge in another state. Her response: "A year huh? That's a pretty long time to have to be apart... I mean, are you planning to quit your job?" I was surprised. Of course I would quit my job. It would never even occur to me that any job would be good enough that it would be worth sacrificing a year of married life with James. It had literally never entered my mind.
But while living long-distance has never entered my mind, it has clearly entered the minds of many other couples. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, over 3.5 million couples in the United States live separately for reasons other than an impending divorce. Many of these are "commuter marriages." This number has more than doubled since 1990. 1
Why the increase?
Well, some couples are obviously separated by uncontrollable issues, such as deployment or immigration issues, and there are others who may simply enjoy the time apart 2 3, but I imagine the majority of couples in long-distance marriages are probably struggling like our friends in graduate school. These are couples who are happy in their relationships, who enjoy each other's company and genuinely want to be close to each other, and yet they make the decision to live apart at least a majority of the time, sometimes for years - sometimes to avoid disrupting children's education, but usually to accommodate one spouse's job. 4
Some might argue that people care more about their jobs than their families, but the research doesn't actually seem to bear that out. In fact, parents (and especially dads) are spending more quality time with their families than ever before. According to a survey by Dove, 94% of dads claim to prioritize their family above their job, and married couples in America are overwhelmingly satisfied with their level of equality and overall relationship satisfaction. 5
I believe that the deeper reason for the increase is the changing definition of what it means to be a husband or a wife. When women like myself struggle with being separated from our spouses, a big part of us feels guilty, as though we should be able to handle separation without problem. Probably stemming from both a strong diet in feminist theory and good old-fashioned American individualism, we increasingly believe two strong and independent spouses are a signal of a good marriage, and spending time apart in order to fulfill our individual needs is, strangely enough, one way of proving how strong our marriage is.
Romance "vs." Responsibility?
Am I a little pathetic for not pursuing my current career because...I'm lonely? Is my romantic side a childlike fantasy that needs to be governed by the responsible part of me? Well first of all, contrary to popular belief, men are far more romantic than women. They are more likely to believe in love at first sight, more likely to believe in soulmates, destiny, and things like that. Historically, women are far more pragmatic when it comes to love. In fact, an older survey showed that women ranked "love" as only #5 on their list of reasons to marry someone 7. Women are also more likely to initiate legal separation 8.
I believe that the deeper reason for the increase is the changing definition of what it means to be a husband or a wife. When women like myself struggle with being separated from our spouses, a big part of us feels guilty, as though we should be able to handle separation without problem. Probably stemming from both a strong diet in feminist theory and good old-fashioned American individualism, we increasingly believe two strong and independent spouses are a signal of a good marriage, and spending time apart in order to fulfill our individual needs is, strangely enough, one way of proving how strong our marriage is.
There is more evidence for this assumption. While most American claim to want marriage and true love, we increasingly make decisions that pull us away from it. We date less, marry later, cohabit instead of marry, have children outside of marriage, and generally make ourselves less available for relationships. These practices seem to signal our desire for independence, but they also conflict with our desire for a happy, interdependent marriage. And while many couples make it work, most agree that either one spouse's career or the relationship usually end up suffering - sometimes even leading to divorce 6.
As I mention in an earlier post, the concept of vulnerability, and relying on one's spouse, and even being "incomplete" without them, is actually a paradoxical STRENGTH disguised as a weakness. Interdependence, not independence, is the critical component that ties a husband and wife together.
As I mention in an earlier post, the concept of vulnerability, and relying on one's spouse, and even being "incomplete" without them, is actually a paradoxical STRENGTH disguised as a weakness. Interdependence, not independence, is the critical component that ties a husband and wife together.
Romance "vs." Responsibility?
Am I a little pathetic for not pursuing my current career because...I'm lonely? Is my romantic side a childlike fantasy that needs to be governed by the responsible part of me? Well first of all, contrary to popular belief, men are far more romantic than women. They are more likely to believe in love at first sight, more likely to believe in soulmates, destiny, and things like that. Historically, women are far more pragmatic when it comes to love. In fact, an older survey showed that women ranked "love" as only #5 on their list of reasons to marry someone 7. Women are also more likely to initiate legal separation 8.
However we feel about romance, women are also seem to be more conflicted about their careers. Women are slightly more likely to sacrifice romance for achievement, but women also tend to get MORE stressed out by their jobs than do men. Women in part-time jobs or who stay at home tend to be happier than those with full-time careers 9, but while women are still more likely to prioritize family commitments over work commitments, it's interesting to note that there are still far more likely to place practical concerns above romance than are men 10.
How do we explain these apparent contradictions? I think one key is recognizing how society increasingly separates the concepts of romance, marriage and family. Women's priorities are not so much dictated by the area of our life as by the degree to which each area feels like a responsibility or a pleasure.
Romance strengthens marriages, and marriages strengthen children. When we fail to associate these concepts, we feel guilty about romance, we struggle to prove our independence in marriage, and we both create a less stable foundation for the rearing of children and communicate these unhappy messages to them. How lame is that?
Sex is the perfect example of this disconnect. Outside of marriage and commitment, sex is generally a selfish activity. But sex in marriage is important for one's relationship - a way of healing hurt, unifying, refocusing, deepening your love and commitment. So should married couples be proud of themselves for being apart, and therefore not having much sex? Only if you still think like a single person. When married, your investment in the passion and romance of your marriage is the responsible choice.
How do we explain these apparent contradictions? I think one key is recognizing how society increasingly separates the concepts of romance, marriage and family. Women's priorities are not so much dictated by the area of our life as by the degree to which each area feels like a responsibility or a pleasure.
Romance strengthens marriages, and marriages strengthen children. When we fail to associate these concepts, we feel guilty about romance, we struggle to prove our independence in marriage, and we both create a less stable foundation for the rearing of children and communicate these unhappy messages to them. How lame is that?
Sex is the perfect example of this disconnect. Outside of marriage and commitment, sex is generally a selfish activity. But sex in marriage is important for one's relationship - a way of healing hurt, unifying, refocusing, deepening your love and commitment. So should married couples be proud of themselves for being apart, and therefore not having much sex? Only if you still think like a single person. When married, your investment in the passion and romance of your marriage is the responsible choice.
Fear of Indulgence
When not associated with other familial responsibilities, romance and togetherness is often viewed as an indulgence, not a priority. Spending time with the person you love is a delightful thing, like a donut, that inspires guilt if consumed in large quantities. Indulging in a relationship - dating, intimacy, quality time and physical closeness - taps the part of our brain that worries about how many calories we've consumed.
When not associated with other familial responsibilities, romance and togetherness is often viewed as an indulgence, not a priority. Spending time with the person you love is a delightful thing, like a donut, that inspires guilt if consumed in large quantities. Indulging in a relationship - dating, intimacy, quality time and physical closeness - taps the part of our brain that worries about how many calories we've consumed.
As empowered women with a need for self control, we dutifully put romance aside with increased frequency, or only give it limited quantities of time. We're proud of ourselves for this. It's refreshing and empowering. Even when I miss my husband, I can't deny that I feel pride at my identity as a strong, independent woman, and I need to let myself and everyone else know that I can go for an impressively long time without "caving in" like I'm referring to a donut.
When we view romance and togetherness in marriage as a selfish personal desire, we feel guilty about making it a top priority.Unconditional + Quality:
Just like sex, there is a fundamental difference between romance in dating and romance in marriage - and the latter is far more important. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk, explains that the divide between dating and marriage is not a simple legal status - it is a fundamentally different type of relationship. A dating relationship, for example, depends on the quality of the relationship, and the enjoyment that both parties derive from it. When one or both people aren't enjoying it, the relationship usually ends. Marriage on the other hand is an unconditional commitment, meaning that each person vows to love and cherish "for richer or poorer" etc., meaning regardless of the quality of the relationship and no matter how unpleasant it may get:
The conditions of dating: quality
The conditions of marriage: none
So why would anyone go and get stuck in an unconditional relationship like marriage? Well, without writing another whole blog post about it, there are some clear benefits - security, comfort, the ability make long-term plans together, the ability to be completely vulnerable. It's like knowing your mom will always love you no matter what. Unconditional is nice.
But, to the point: It's not enough for marriage to be unconditional. Almost no one will stay indefinitely in a terrible marriage, no matter how committed they feel. Therefore, quality becomes a necessary aid in helping us fulfill our promise to be committed unconditionally. Each spouse has a responsibility to make the unconditional relationship a quality one as well. When we recognize that romance and togetherness is critical for not just our well-being but the well-being of our spouse, it becomes an act of love as well as pleasure. Kind of like sex.
Marriage: Good for You, Good for Everyone
We don't need to be condescending or suspicious of a desire to be married, and we need to stop feeling superior to others who won't tolerate long separations by implying that they "can't handle" it (as stated in this Huff Post interview). We would be just as foolish to scoff at someone who "can't handle" secondhand smoke. Statistically speaking, the smoke inhalers are better off! On average, married people tend to be physically and mentally healthier. They tend to acquire more wealth. They live longer. They experience less violence and crime. They're more active in their communities. Their kids have better outcomes in virtually every measurable way. They're happier. These are not the products of indulgence - these are the fruits and vegetables of a good life. We're just suspicious because vegetables don't usually taste this good.
Finally, we need to make the mental connection between our romance, our marriages, and our families (i.e. kids). Kids benefit more from having parents wildly in love with each other than they benefit from having good teachers, good friends, or even good doctors. If you feel guilty splurging on a weekend getaway, or even giving up a great career opportunity in order to be close to your spouse, you can say, "I'm doing this for the kids."
We should thank our lucky stars that in this case, romance is both the desire of our hearts and the essential component of a relationship that is critical to the well-being of individuals, children, communities and society. When you "indulge" in the togetherness and romance that makes life sweet, you are also doing the best possible thing for your spouse, your future kids, your community and your whole society. You are demonstrating the value of interdependence above independence. That should be worth giving up a great job for.
It Isn't Good To Be Alone
In Genesis we read that on the sixth day, God made Adam, and then made Eve so Adam didn't have to be alone. God could have taught Adam the importance of self-reliance. He could have helped Adam realize how much he could accomplish by himself and how to be independent. I'm sure he could have brought in Eve just when reproduction needed to happen. But I think a more important lesson needed to be learned, about love, unity, and the power of two people working together. The commandment to "cleave" unto our spouse is both a commandment and a blessing, and I think it is ultimately a testimony of God's love for us. We must develop the togetherness that fuels romance and a strong marriage, for our own sake and for everyone else. Our task and our reward is the same: We are meant to love. It only seems too good to be true.
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