My Experience As a Woman in the Church

I had a friend recently share a post from an ex-Mormon about the things she didn't like about the church. Among other things, she claimed that the church is inherently sexist.

I was hurt, of course. And I’m always surprised to see comments like that. To contrast her claim, my 36 years of experience in the church has been virtually the opposite of sexism. For most of my life, the church has been the only entity that empowered me as a young woman to study my "Individual Worth" and "Divine Nature", to develop my talents, to be a force for good in the world, to recognize the sacredness of womanhood and to see motherhood as a divine gift and responsibility instead of a nuisance. My experience in the church has always featured male and female leaders with enormous respect for each other. Sheri Dew, Linda K. Burton, Elaine Dalton, Eliza R. Snow, Emma Smith – these are my role models and some of the best women I know: women with integrity, grace, beauty and strength that they have developed because of, not in spite of, the teachings of the church. 

Certainly enough has been written about the topic of women in the church that my voice may not delineate anything new. But as someone who has personally experienced the power that comes from the church’s teachings and practices around gender and womanhood, I feel the need to add my small teaspoon of testimony into the ocean of evidence that this church is truly being led by God.

In the 1800s, at a time when American women were denied the right to vote, enter most universities, or manage property, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was paying for women to go to schools in the East and obtain medical degrees. In fact, the church covered the cost of their books and tuition and travel and their wards took care of their families while they were gone. The church helped women start their own businesses. Utah was the second state to allow women to right to vote. While most of the country still believed that women served little purpose other than to bear children, Joseph Smith told the women in 1842, “The Church was never perfectly organized until the women were thus organized." In fact, when the idea of a women’s organization was initially proposed - to fundraise and gather clothing for the temple builders – Joseph Smith rejected the tiny scope of their mission and instead declared that the Lord "has something better for them than a written Constitution." He expressed his love and appreciation for the women of the church and gave them great promises. "If this Society listen to the counsel of the Almighty, they shall have power to command queens in their midst.” And “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates." Emma Smith affirmed in that first meeting that "We are going to do something extraordinary," and we certainly have, from then on. Because of the organization of the Relief Society, the Lord affirmed a special role for women, rejecting the socially accepted premise that women were the “weaker sex”, and that the characteristics of women were actually divine gifts to help them fulfill a critical role in God’s work.

Since the ERA movement of the 1970s, the pendulum of Western thought has swung from denigrating womanhood to valuing the masculine attributes within women. This has led to more opportunities for women, which is wonderful, but also created social expectations that a woman’s value is measured by the extent to which she embodies characteristics typical of men: physical strength, assertiveness, power and position, sexual liberation. And yet the majority of women still fail to see how physical vulnerability, weakness, beauty, and sensitivity are in fact sources of power that enable us to influence others and promote social change.

Both swings of the gender pendulum have missed the mark. Both continue to undermine the importance of womanhood. The reason we haven’t seen similar great shifts in the church is because the teachings of church leaders since the very beginning have laid out a vision for womanhood that is already both defining and empowering. Because of the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints, I am able to see how both historic views of women are flawed, and how God's view of women not only liberates us from the host of social expectations that has produced such staggeringly high rates of anxiety and depression among women, but it makes sacred the things I already am, the things I already love. It brings the natural role of motherhood into the realm of divinity. It strengthens and enables my desires to serve, to build my community, to save souls, to develop my talents. Without it, women are pressured to prioritize careers over family, trivialize homemaking, and derive their sense of self-worth from how they measure up to men and the values of men. Even as I write this, I still find in myself a struggle to let go of the need to assess my value by how well I fit these parameters; by how much I’m paid and what kind of worldly recognition I receive. 

If I didn't have the church, I wouldn't know who I was and how special God made me. If we as women don’t think we’re anything special, then there isn’t anything special we have to do. In fact, we have a mission that is so much more important than the size of our salary or the credentials on our resume. I am not just a homo sapiens - I am a daughter of God. And because of that, my life has meaning, purpose, and direction. This is not what I learn in biology, or history, or even sociology. This is what I learned in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

We have a special identity, and therefore a special purpose. I once made this comment in a Relief Society meeting, and had a women approach me afterward. “What do you mean? Like, I know this sounds dumb but what IS so special about being a woman?” I have since heard similar frustrations echoed in other settings. One possible reason we struggle to understand the importance of our identity as women in Western society is because, other than our reproductive capabilities, we don't have a really good idea of what sets us apart. This is not by accident. For the last fifty years, social scientists like me have made consistent, calculated efforts to downplay and undermine studies demonstrating differences between men and women. There’s a good reason for this, in their eyes. In a feminist framework (which is based on conflict theory), acknowledging any differences between two groups creates inequality, and therefore an imbalance of power. If we acknowledge statistical differences between men and women, we promote sexism. “Oh, you need a negotiator? Well we’d better hire a woman because women are statistically better at negotiating.” Nobody wants that.

Once again, the paradigm of competition makes it impossible to view differences as anything other than quantitative. In Leonard Hayes book The Importance of Gender, he highlights some of the following scientific findings:

- Men and women's eyes are constructed differently at every layer. Our rods and cones are connected to nerve cells in such a way that men are more likely to notice movement, spatial orientation, and women's eyes focus more on color, texture and detail.

- Men and women react differently to different dosages of medication - as well as drugs and alcohol

- Men process more information longitudinally through the hemispheres of the brain, women process more information laterally across the hemispheres

- Men and women experience different hormonal reactions to emotions like fear and anger. 

- Men and women experience the desire for sex in completely different parts of the brain, one that controls appetite and one that focuses on decision-making and judgment

- Male and female day-old infants spend different amounts of time gazing at a smiling face (girls more) verses a spinning mobile (boys more)

This is just a small sampling. Dr. Leonard’s goal is to push back against the idea that differences in gender are all socially determined, and to help us identify more effective approaches in parenting and teaching boys and girls. How can we prevent sexism if we acknowledge these things? We promote opportunities, without forcing expectations. Boys can play with trucks and dinosaurs if they want to, and we make other toys available if they change their mind. Girls can take piano and dance lessons, but there is also a girls' soccer team available. Boys are free to become nurses and elementary school teachers, but we don't shame them if they choose to pursue MBAs or politics instead. The natural result of these relaxed expectations is that men and women, boys and girls, will often make decisions that are influenced by their gender. And that’s okay. Pretending the differences don’t exist is not the answer, and it actually creates many more problems.

The point is this, these are studies that have been conceived of and carried out by scientists – and even these are barely understood or acknowledged by women today. How many other things does our Heavenly Father see in the identity of manhood and womanhood that we are still unaware of? What other sources of strength and power are we completely unaware of?

On a side note: One thing I have been curious about is the claim of trans-gendered individuals that they feel stuck in the wrong body, or that they "feel" like they are the other gender. With just a cursory look at the list above, I would ask, how could they possibly know? They may feel different, sure, and they may see characteristics in themselves that are more typical of one gender than the other, but if we sort through all of these thousands of studies, the differences between men and women are often subtle but incredibly profound, and so fundamentally related to our perception and processing of the world around us, I would counter there is literally no way a man could truly understand what it means to be a woman, and vice versa. Being allowed to simply decide one's gender completely ignores the multitude of differences that make people so uniquely, and so entirely, male or female. Changing one's clothing or even genitals to be accepted into that category is just as superfluous as me putting on black face and claiming to be African American.

Gender is not an accident, and it's not superfluous - it is an eternal part of our identity. It's not a limiting identity - There are all kinds of men, and all kinds of women, just as there are all kinds of twenty year-olds and sixty year-olds, and all kinds of Mexicans and Koreans. Our identity is important, and wonderful, and I learned this from being in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Important issues can rarely be captured in a single Tweet or meme, and the same thing is true with gender. For those who look at the church from the perspective of conflict theory or feminism, they will see inequality and oppression, no doubt. In this church, we hold different positions; we play different roles; we interact and are sometimes even treated differently (in General Conference, men are more often chastised, and women more often are reassured). If your definition of inequality is simply acknowledging differences, then you’ll find ample evidence. But who is more important in creating life, a mother or father? Neither - for every child is an equal combination of the two. I believe this particular example is God's way of letting us see how two very different creatures, with very different roles in the creation and protection of life, are still equal in God's eyes.

If we can begin to see ourselves as men and women the way God does, and let go of our philosophical need to view the world in terms of competition and oppression and fairness, I believe gender will simultaneously become more meaningful and also less of a big deal. Understanding and appreciating this one aspect of our identity will give us greater peace, greater joy, greater freedom, greater appreciation for the gifts and talents of ourselves and others, and greater direction for the mission that He has for each of us. It will allow us to focus on becoming great women and men without comparing ourselves to each other. I know this is true. I’m so grateful to be a woman, and have the sacred privilege of being a wife and mother. I’m so happy to know who I am, and that God loves me just the way I am. Most of all, I’m grateful for the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - the prophets, bishops, Relief Society presidents and Young Women teachers that have brought me closer to Christ, who is the source of all wisdom.